I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize