dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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