i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
