I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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