When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
