Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
