Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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