I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
