So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
