Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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