I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize