OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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