Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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