My liver just broke up with me...
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
