The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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