bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
