Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
