I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
