I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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