new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
