I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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