in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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