I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
