u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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