Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
