I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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