Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
