Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Please don't give away my fajitas
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
