but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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