Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Randomize