I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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