these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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