I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
