I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
