I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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