I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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