my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
