Quick, to the slutcave!
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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