I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
