I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize
