Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I met the friendliest cop last night
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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