He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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