I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
