He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
