I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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