I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
