this beer tastes like vomit already
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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