i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
