I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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