is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
