the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize