i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
