The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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