he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
