your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
