You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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