overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
